Bill Bailey Quotes

The hedgehog is sacred.

Bill Bailey

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said "I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat! Makes it a bit harder".

Bill Bailey

Juxtaposition, you can't handle the juxtaposition!

Bill Bailey

God, I'm in the same studio as de Burgh! He may have stood right where I'm standing now... and just thought his mad thoughts. Like "I am brilliant."

Bill Bailey

Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet.

Bill Bailey

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. I actively seek it out.

Bill Bailey

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

Bill Bailey

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

Bill Bailey

A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."

Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

Bill Bailey

No win, no fee, no basis in reality. Just a room above a minicab office in Acton and a steady stream of greedy simpletons whose delusion is only matched by their clumsiness.

Bill Bailey

Camilla lights a candle, starts to turn around, 'Charles, what is it, baby? You seem kinda down.' He said, it don't seem fair, and it just ain't much fun, When your mama's got two birthdays, And you only got one! You got that Royal Birthday blues, That lack-of-an-official-birthday-blues, Phillip takes a drink o' wine, And tells it like it was, 'This is what you have to do my boy, and here's the thing, because.... One day you're gonna rule the world, but you're gonna have to hang around... 'Coz you're mama's not goin' anywhere, She ain't givin' up that crown!' You got that Royal birthday blues, They gonna creep up on you just like that. Yeah, you really been paying your royal due, Well, in and out and up and down, That's the way the money goes, and whether the pound will finally stop... Nobody really knows! One thing that you don't want, that what really ain't that funny... Is when your...face even ain't on the money! We got badgers and lizards and hedgehogs and squirrels and even Darwin too, They've even got one elegant Scottish Hebrew, But the one thing that ain't on the money, that definitely ain't on the money.... Isn't it strange that you ain't even on the change, It doesn't make sense that your not on the pence, I never found you on the pound! Not even on a lottery ticket or a subway token or anything around there, or anything around there, now. There ain't nothin' on the money, you ain't definitely on the money, The one thing that ain't on the money....is YOU!!

Bill Bailey

I stole some pins from the noticeboard And pressed them into my hand And they spelled 'why?' Why did they spell 'why'? Because there weren't enough pins for 'oblivion'.

Bill Bailey

You picked me up from school You attended all my sporting functions You bought me a car Gave me use of a credit card But how can I feel pain, How can I feel pain, How can I feel pain When you're being so supportive?

Bill Bailey

It's him, in the night- Doctor Who. He travels in the Tardis, the fantastic space telephone box. The interior is much larger than the exterior And that is the mystery of Doctor Who The enemy, he's called Davros, the captain of the Daleks. He's half-Dalek, half-man- incredible! He wants to control the world, always control the world He wakes up in the morning, he wants to control the world After breakfast, he wants to control the world! But he never controls the world- it's not very realistic. With Daleks, the Doctor a superior. "Exterminate! Exterminate again! Oh, no! We are lost!" The doctor wins, he laughs 'Ha ha ha- I won because I am Doctor Who

Bill Bailey

Beautiful ladies in danger. Danger all around the world. But I will protect them, because I am Chris de Burgh! Beautiful ladies in emergency situations. Beautiful ladies are lovely but sometimes they don't take care They're too busy with their makeup and combing their lovely hair To take basic safety precautions But I will protect them I will save the pretty ones With their smiles and their beautiful eyes But let the ugly ones die I have no place for them in my new world order I won't waste my seed on hideous trolls Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls hunt them down there shall be no clemency Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls Look under the bridges that's where they hide That's where they hide And beauty shall be my bride.

Bill Bailey

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