Bill Bailey Quotes

like deja without vue, I am nothing without you

Bill Bailey

I was digging with a fork out of the kitchen drawer sewing tictacs , I didn't know what the hell I was doing. After a bit I got bored and just started burying cheap spoons to baffle the archaeologists of the future.

Bill Bailey

Creationists mainly are Americans who think the world was created in 1982 to coincide with the rise of Super Tramp but you can very easily dispute this by playing some of Super Tramps earlier albums.

Bill Bailey

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

Bill Bailey

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

Bill Bailey

It's always been my long-held belief that eventually insects will take over the world.

Bill Bailey

This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E.T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.

Bill Bailey

Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.

Bill Bailey

There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.

Bill Bailey

I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you've got to admire the workmanship.

Bill Bailey

I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'

Bill Bailey

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life...

Bill Bailey

Deep down, it really is just a meaningless lyric, isn't it? [Sings] "I got soul, but I'm not a soldier". I mean, you may as well be saying "I got ham, but I'm not a hamster"

Bill Bailey

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Bill Bailey

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Bill Bailey

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey
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