Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backward in a mirror
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror
And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.
I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
Weather forecast for tonight:† dark