Jack Handy Quotes

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have

Jack Handy

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

Jack Handy

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness

Jack Handy

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

Jack Handy

If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).

Jack Handy

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Jack Handy

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

Jack Handy

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me.

Jack Handy

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

Jack Handy
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