Lewis Niles Black Quotes

If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.

Lewis Niles Black

Why would I be excited that a Democrat won? Seriously, over the past eight years the Democrats didn't do SHIT! Basically, the last eight years, I feel, the Republicans stood around farting; and the Democrats went "Ooh, let me smell it."

Lewis Niles Black

I don't know if you noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking in the mirror at itself.

Lewis Niles Black

We always feel better in anticipation. You don't think about something and think "Aw, it's gonna be shitty." NO! You say "This is gonna be the greatest weekend ever! Sonuvabitch!" And then, by Monday, you're throwing up and you're thinking "You know, I always thought those guys were pricks!"

Lewis Niles Black

There is no better moment than this moment, when we're anticipating the actual moment itself. All of the moments that lead up to the actual moment are truly the best moments. Those are the moments that are filled with good times. Those are the moments in which you are able to think that it is going to be perfect, when the moment actually happens. But, the moment is reality, and reality always kinda sucks!

Lewis Niles Black

Christians... get Christmas under control. Seriously. It won't stop! It doesn't stop does it? It's always Christmas now! Make it the whole year! It's the only time you pricks are happy!

Lewis Niles Black

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of SHIT... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Lewis Niles Black

These people are the first line of defense when it comes to the terrorist threat, but the word "shit" makes them cry. "Why didn't he say poopie?! Why didn't he say poopie?!"

Lewis Niles Black

If you ask your congressman why, he'll say "Because it's hard. It's really hard. Makes me want to go poopie." You know why we don't have solar energy? It's because the sun goes away each day, and it doesn't tell us where it's going!

Lewis Niles Black

And then there are fossils. Whenever anybody tries to tell me that they believe it took place in seven days, I reach for a fossil and go "fossil!" And if they keep talking I throw it just over their head.

Lewis Niles Black

FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.

Lewis Niles Black

Going quail hunting is like saying "I'm going fishing," and going to a goldfish bowl and going "Got it!"

Lewis Niles Black

"Equestrian," by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called "Two Equestrians."

Lewis Niles Black

Dick Cheney...and that's all I've gotta say.

Lewis Niles Black

I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.

Lewis Niles Black

The toughest thing about performing here is, where do you go from here? Next week, I'm at the Fort Lauderdale Performing Arts Center.

Lewis Niles Black

Quote of the Day

Social Media
Our Partners