Lewis Niles Black Quotes

The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.

Lewis Niles Black

The argument we have about abortion is not about abortion. It's about when life begins. And we argue it, and we argue, and we argue! And I say we take all the people who think they know and yell and scream and they're sure when life begins and they're sure when life ends, and we lock them in a room. And we tell them to figure it out. And they don't come out until they do. And if they can't, then we kill them.

Lewis Niles Black

Well first of all, I'd just like to say that 2005 was a great year, if you like swimming through crap.

Lewis Niles Black

Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of your state. How can I, as a comedian, create a reality that encompasses that?

Lewis Niles Black

But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.

Lewis Niles Black

Music is like a drug; when you hear it, you have a vision. And that vision can change over time or remain the same. You know, that first time youre in love and you hear a love song and every time you think about it you have that vision of your special someone. And then two years later, after you broke up, youre at the bar. And you hear that song and you go, "Son of a bitch... Ill have a Jaeger."

Lewis Niles Black

The Pledge of Allegiance, ultimately, is coffee for elementary school students. "...And to the republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. FUCK, I'm at SCHOOL! Can we say it again? I need a second cup."

Lewis Niles Black

You don't want another Enron? Here's the law: If you have a company, and it can't explain, in one sentence... what it does... it's illegal!

Lewis Niles Black

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.

Lewis Niles Black

The Catholics have it right. I love what they do. That whole "the pope's infallible" thing is tremendous. Let's face facts: If you took somebody with no religious leanings whatsoever and locked that person in a psych ward with nobody around and no stimuli, the Catholic church is exactly what he'd come up with. "Listen to this. There's this old guy in a dress, see? He wears all these great costumes and wherever he says about anything from birth control to what to watch on television, that's it, 'cause pope knows best. He can't lift his head up, but, fuck, he's a genius.

Lewis Niles Black

There are things about the Jewish religion that I carry with me to this day. Chief among them is Yom Kippur, or the Day of Atonement, as it's so happily called. It had a profound effect on my innocent young mind. The service opens with the organ playing "Kol Nidre," one of the spookiest pieces of music ever written. You hear it and literally are surprised bats and shit aren't flying around.

Lewis Niles Black

How our government works... it doesn't.

Lewis Niles Black

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

Lewis Niles Black

You see what I felt they should have done for our first public works project is build a giant wall across the entire border of Canada...because THAT'S where the cold air comes from!

Lewis Niles Black

All they had to do was send two kids to Kinko's and ask for a picture of a camel WITH A FUCKING NUCLEAR WEAPON ON ITS BACK! It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, AND THE BLIZZARD WOULD HIT AGAIN!

Lewis Niles Black

Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.

Lewis Niles Black
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