Stephen Wright Quotes

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day 'cause that means it's gonna be up all night.

Stephen Wright

Hope your Birthday gently breezes into your life all the choicest of things and all that your heart holds dear Have A Fun- Filled Day.

Stephen Wright

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.

Stephen Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

Stephen Wright

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!

Stephen Wright

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

Stephen Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Stephen Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography

Stephen Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Stephen Wright
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