Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead - not sick, not wounded - dead.
Paranoia is knowing all the facts.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end
My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
When we lose twenty pounds... we may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty