This page contains quotes from the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. You can find more Alphabetized listing of films for which quotations are available in the index page. Thanks to the many celebrated and unheralded screenwriters who have provided these memorable movie quotes and lines of dialogue.


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Quotes from the movie Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
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Captain's Log, stardate 23.9, rounded off to theÖ nearest decimal point. We'veÖ traveled back in time to save an ancient species fromÖ total annihilation. SO FARÖ noÖ signs of aquatic life anywhere, but I'm going to find it. If I have to tear this universe another black hole, I'm going to find it. I'veÖ GOT TO, MISTER!
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This is double-paned sound-proof glass. There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut. The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy?! Huh?! Huh?! Huh?! I have exorcised the demons. This house is clear. LOSERS! Leh-hoo. Zeh-hers!
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Good evening Captain Stubing. How are Gopher and Doc? Permission to come aboard sir?
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If I'm not back in five minutes...just wait longer.
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Do NOT go in there! WOOOO!
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I'm in Psychoville, and Finkle's the mayor.
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WhewÖ now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good; you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin, while the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncatus, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
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Einhorn is Finkle. Finkle is Einhorn. Einhorn is a man! Oh, my god! Einhorn is a man?!
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If the lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be, then she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever seen! That's why Roger Podacter was murdered! He found Captain Winky!
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That's not Snowflake!
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I just can't do it Captain! I don't have the POWER!
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I'm ready to go in, Coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind. I'm going to execute a button-hook pattern, Super SlowMo.
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Three fifty-one! Three fifty-one! Rover, SIT! HUT! HUT!
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I found a rare stone at the bottom of Snowflake's tank. It belonged to a 1984 AFC Championship ring. It would have been a Super Bowl ring, but Ray Finkle missed the big kick. Blames the whole thing on Marino. We're talking mental institute escapee. I saw the guy's room. Cozy if you're Hannibal Lecter!
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You know, you're just mad because your stupid little pebble theory didn't work out and you don't know how to express your anger.
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[to Lt. Einhorn] Whew... now I feel better. 'Course, that might not do any good you see nobody's missing a porpoise. It's a dolphin that's been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I'm sure you already knew that. That's what turns me on about 'cha, your attention to detail.
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I don't give a good goddamn about that fish. Fillet it and fast food it if'ya want'to. All I give a damn about's, winning the Super Bowl. My athletes have got to have their heads in the right place. Shit, Roger, you been in this business a long time. You know how superstitious these guys are.
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I'm ready to go in, coach, just give me a chance. I know there's a lot of riding on it, but it's all psychological. Just gotta stay in a positive frame of mind.
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That was a close one ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately in every contest, there must be a loser. Loo-hoo-ser-her.
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Most likely sir. I bet it was something nice, though. Now, this is an insurance form. If you'll just sign here, here and here and print your name here and initial here, we'll get the rest of the forms out to you as soon as we can.
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Mr. Shickadance, I told you; you're my first priority. I'm on a very big case right now. Check this out. [shows him a flyer] That's a true Albino pigeon. Some rich guy lost it. He's offering a $25,000 reward. As soon as I find this bird, you're paid.
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Just don't let me catch you with an animal here, that's all.
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This is double-paned sound-proof glass! There is no way that neighbor could've heard Roger Podacter scream on the way down with that door shut! The scream she heard came from inside the apartment before he was thrown over the balcony and the murderer closed the door before he left. Yes! Yes! Oh, yeah! Can ya feel that, buddy? Huh!? Huh!? Huh!?
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Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 9-1-1? Alrighty then.
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Tom Ace. Pleasure to meet you Mr. Camp, and congratulations on all your success. You smell terrific. I was just telling Melissa that one of the first things we learned back at Stanford Law was the modern proliferation of food poisoning claims against wealthy private homeowners. In fact, if one were so inclined, one could make quite a lucrative law practice with little else. How is everyone feeling tonight?
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Soccer style kicker, graduated from Collier High June 1976, Stetson University honors graduate class of 1980, holds 2 NCAA Division One records, one for most points in a season, one for distance, former nickname "The Mule", the first and only pro-athlete to come out of Collier County, and one hell of a model American.
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It was all that Dan Marino's fault, everyone knows that. If he had held the ball, laces out, like he was supposed to, Ray would never have missed that kick. Dan Marino should die of gonorrhea and rot in hell. Would you like a cookie, son?
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Ladies and gentlemen... my esteemed colleague, Mr. Marino, has just brought some new evidence to my attention. Now, history has certainly shown that even the most intuitive criminal investigator can be wrong from time to time. But if I am mistaken... if the Lieutenant is indeed a woman, as she claims to be... then, my friend, she is suffering from the worst case of hemorrhoids...I HAVE EVER SEEN!
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That's why Roger Podacter is dead! He found Captain Winkie!
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