My name is Ash and I am a slave. As far as I can tell, the year is 1300 A.D and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this, I had a normal life, once. Hardware aisle twelve, shop smart, shop S-Mart! I had a wonderful girlfriend; Linda. Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon ex Mortis, the Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumarrian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. It took Linda, and then it came, for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. But that didn't stop it. It came back. Big time. For God's sake! How do you stop it?!
Give me some sugar, baby.
Good... bad... I'm the guy with the gun.
Alright... who wants some?
Yo! She-bitch! Let's go.
First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. Blow.
Don't touch that please. Your primitive intellect wouldn't understand alloys and compositions and... things with molecular structures and the-
Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth.
Alright, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my boomstick! - It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart. Shop S-Mart... You got that?!!
Now I swear the next one of you primates even touches me...
KLAATU... VERATA... N--... necktie... nectar... nickel... it's an n-word, definitely an n-word... It's definitely an n-word.
Shut the door! Were you raised in a barn?! ... probably was raised in a barn with all the other primitives...
It's a trick. Get an axe.
Maybe. Just maybe my boys can protect the book. Yeah, and maybe I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
Now whoa whoa whoa right there spinach chin!
That's it, go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama!
Say hello to the twenty-first century!
Oh you little bastards! All right, I'll crush each and every last one of ya! I'll squash you so hard you'll have to look down to look up!
Sure, I could have stayed in the past. I could have even been king. But in my own way, I am king. Hail to the king, baby.
Buckle up, bonehead, 'cause you're goin' for a ride.
I live again!!!
I got a bone to pick with you.
You're pissing me off, you ugly son of a bitch!
Well aren't you the sweetest little thing?
Welcome back to the land of the livin' ... Now pick up a shovel and get digging!