Quotes from the Movie As Good as It Gets

What if this is as good as it gets?

Melvin Udall

Quit worryin! You'll be back on your knees in no time!

Melvin Udall

This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

Melvin Udall

Some of us have great stories: pretty stories that take place at lakes, with boats, and friends, and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story: good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.

Melvin Udall

I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.

Melvin Udall

I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.

Melvin Udall

You people who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.

Melvin Udall

You're a disgrace to depression.

Melvin Udall

Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudge-packer that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David for the weekend, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock... not on this door... not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?

Melvin Udall

Yes! I hate the doggy... Yes! I hate the doggy...

Melvin Udall

I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!

Melvin Udall

Police! Donut-munching morons! Help me!

Melvin Udall

As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?

Melvin Udall

I guess what I'm trying to say is: you make me want to be a better man.

Melvin Udall

How can you diagnose someone as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and then act as if I had some kind of choice about barging in here?

Melvin Udall

Carol the waitress, meet Simon the fag.

Melvin Udall

Lucky for you, you're here for rock-bottom... you absolute horror of a human being.

Simon Bishop

I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help, and I won't. And I don't want to paint any more! So the life that I was trying for, is over. The life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.

Simon Bishop

The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.

Simon Bishop

If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.

Simon Bishop

Do you miss the tough guy? [imitating Melvin] Well here I am, sweetheart! C'mere ya little piss-ant mop!

Simon Bishop

Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.

Carol Connelly

Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?

Carol Connelly

I want your life for one minute where my biggest problem is someone offering me a free convertible so I can get out of this city.

Carol Connelly

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