Excuse me if this off the subject a little bit, but just take a guess at how much I can bench press. Come on, what do you think? Take a guess. 315 pounds, maxing out at 400!
Now tell me, which one of these dogs would you want to have as your wide receiver on your football team?
That looks like a fast dog.
Doctor, question that's always bothered me and a lot of people: Mayflower, combined with Philadelphia - a no-brainer, right? Cause this is where the Mayflower landed. Not so. It turns out Columbus actually set foot somewhere down in the West Indies. Little known fact.
And to think that in some countries these dogs are eaten.
I went to one of those obedience places once... it was all going well until they spilled hot candle wax on my private parts.
I'd hate to go on a date with Judge Edie Franklin and have her judge me, that'd be no fun.
I don't think I could ever get used to being poked and prodded. I told my proctologist one time, "Why don't you take me out to dinner and a movie sometime?"
Thanks a lot, you stupid hotel manager!
I know a man who has a van and he will take you back to wherever you came from!
What are you a wizard? A genius? Why didn't you tell me that before?
No, that's a bear in a, in a bee costume.
This? This is a fish. This is a fish! You know what? Just shut up.
I didn't ask for your opinion. I asked for a toy that you don't have!
...but you see, you think they drop like rocks, they don't. He hit a gargoyle on the way down and this guy gets his head caught in the gargoyle's mouth. The head [snaps fingers] pops off like a grape. The body continues to spin down like a whirl-a-gig. When they hit, everything pops out. It's like a piŅata. The intestines, like they're spring-loaded, pop out.
I'll gouge your right eye out with my thumb, I shit you not, you little freak! Now, will you get down here? I'm gonna punch you in the eye till it turns to jelly! I'll stab you with forks till you bleed, how bout that?
When I started here all there was was lampshade warehouses and leather bars, the serious leather bars where you wouldn't get in unless you had a rubber ball stuffed in your mouth, the wine list was tattooed on the bartender's face. That kind of place. I remember one guy had a bicycle reflector sewn onto one nipple.
If you're ever buying a shampoo sink go right to the Dutch. The French know nothing about shampooing.
We're gonna be in Philadelphia for 48 hours, how many tea services can you do?
So finally we bought out the chinese, not the entire nation, this one little chapter behind the wall here.
She looks like a cocktail waitress on an oil rig.
Rhapsody has two mommies.
Don't water the plants, they're plastic!
Leslie and I have an amazing relationship and it's very physical, he still pushes all my buttons. People say 'oh but he's so much older than you' and you know what, I'm the one having to push him away. We have so much in common, we both love soup and snow peas, we love the outdoors, and talking and not talking. We could not talk or talk forever and still find things to not talk about.
And really, I think what we're talking about is standards, basically; very, very specific, rigid, you could say, but in this world where would we be without them, I think. And notice where we are.