Quotes from the Movie Caddyshack

License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet-Cong...Varmint-Cong. So you have to fall back on superior firepower and superior intelligence. And that's all she wrote.

Carl Spackler

I smell varmint poontang, and the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.

Carl Spackler

Wait up, girls. I've got a salami I've got to hide.

Carl Spackler

I'll slack you off, you fuzzy little foreigner and I'll fill your bagpipes with Wheatena!

Carl Spackler

Man in a boat overboard. You beast! You savage. Come on, bark like a dog for me. Bark like a dog! I will teach you the meaning of the word "respect"!

Carl Spackler

What an incredible Cinderella story! This unknown, comes out of nowhere, to lead the pack...at Augusta. He's at his final hole. He's about 455 yards away, he's gonna hit about a 2 Iron I think. Oh, he got all of that. The crowd is standing on its feet here at Augusta. The normally reserved crowd is going wild... for this young Cinderella who's come out of nowhere. He's got about 350 yards left, he's going to hit about a 5 iron it looks like, don't you think? He's got a beautiful backswing... That's- Oh, he got all of that one! He's gotta be pleased with that! The crowd is just on its feet here. He's a Cinderella boy. Tears in his eyes, I guess, as he lines up this last shot. He's got about 195 yards left, and he's got a, looks like he's got about an 8 iron. This crowd has gone deadly silent... Cinderella story, out of nowhere, former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters Championship. It looks like a mirac- It's in the hole! It's in the hole!

Carl Spackler

I have to laugh because I've often asked myself my foe, my enemy, is an animal. In order to conquer him I have to think like an animal and whenever possible to look like one. I've got to get inside this dude's pelt and crawl around for a few days. Who is the gopher's ally? His friend? The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit. I'm going to use you guys to do my dirty work for me.

Carl Spackler

If he bothers you, I'll take care of him. What you've got to do is cut the hamstring on the back of his leg right at the bottom. He'll never play golf again, because his weight displacement goes back, all his weight is on his right foot, and he'll push everything off to the right. He'll never come through on anything. He'll quit the game.

Carl Spackler

Hello? Anybody home? Hello, Mr. Gopher! It's me, Mr. Squirrel. Just a harmless squirrel. Not a plastic explosive or anything. Nothing to be worried about. I'm just here to make your last hours on earth as peaceful as possible. Don't mind this. This is doctor's orders. You don't mind if I just pop in there for a few laughs? That's right. Or in the words of Jean-Paul Sartre: "Au revoir, gopher." This is going to be sweet.

Carl Spackler

Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it?

Ty Webb

In one physical model of the universe, the shortest distance between two points is a straight line, in the opposite direction.

Ty Webb

Thank you very little.

Ty Webb

I was born to love you.

Ty Webb

I was born to love you. I was born to lick your face. I was born to rub you, But you were born to rub me first.

Ty Webb

I feel like a hundred dollars.

Ty Webb

Don't worry about this one. If you miss it, we lose.

Ty Webb

Double turds!

Spaulding Smails

You gonna eat your fat?

Spaulding Smails

Doodie!

Spaulding Smails

Ahoy polloi.

Spaulding Smails

We're about to tee off now so call the hospital and move my appointment with Mrs. Bellows back 90 minutes...Just snake a tube down her nose and I'll be there...in four or five hours.

Dr. Beeper

Will you forget the massage and just kiss me, you fool?

Lacey Underall

Well, you two look like a couple of boogies.

Mrs. Smails

Will you come and loofah my stretch marks?

Mrs. Smails

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