This page contains quotes from the movie Happy Gilmore. You can find more Alphabetized listing of films for which quotations are available in the index page. Thanks to the many celebrated and unheralded screenwriters who have provided these memorable movie quotes and lines of dialogue.


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Quotes from the movie Happy Gilmore
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During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Happy Gilmore


If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
Happy Gilmore


You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
Happy Gilmore


Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldn't do it! [
Happy Gilmore


The price is wrong, bitch.
Happy Gilmore


You son of a bitch ball! Why don't you just go home?! That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? ANSWER ME! SUCK MY WHITE ASS BALL
Happy Gilmore


That son of a bitch. Give me my ball, give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna... give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye! Chubbs. You took his hand!
Happy Gilmore


Remember that "Mista, Mista" lady? Well, I think I just killed her.
Happy Gilmore


I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.
Happy Gilmore


I hate that clown. YEAH!! YOU'RE GONNA DIE, CLOWN!!!
Happy Gilmore


Happy learned how to putt, UH-OH!
Happy Gilmore


SOMEBODY'S CLOSER!!
Happy Gilmore


Damn you people. Go back to your shanties.
Shooter McGavin


Damn you people. This is golf. Not a rock concert.
Shooter McGavin


Thank you, Doug. You know, I saw Doug playing yesterday. And I've got to tell you, this guy spends more time on the sand than David Hasselhoff.
Shooter McGavin


I tell you, the real winner today is the city of Portland. Every time I come here it gets harder to leave. I bet you put something to the water.
Shooter McGavin


Stop fraternizing with the help Gilmore. Just hit your ball... if you can find it.
Shooter McGavin


You're gonna need a blanket and suntan lotion, cause you're never gonna get off that beach, just like the way you never got into the NHL... ya jackass!
Donald


You will not make this putt... ya jackass!
Donald


Shooter! Wanna go to the Sizzler and catch some grub?
Donald


Hey Gilmore! You suck, ya Jackass!
Donald


Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
Announcer