Quotes from the Movie Lemony Snickets A Series of Unfortunate Events

I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you'll be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.

Lemony Snicket

And just like that, the Baudelaire Children became the Baudelaire Orphans. I tried to tell you. This would be an excellent opportunity to walk out of the theater, living room or airplane this film is showing in. It's not too late to see a film about a happy little elf.

Lemony Snicket

Dear reader, there are people in the world who know no misery and woe. And they take comfort in cheerful films about twittering birds and giggling elves. There are people who know that there's always a mystery to be solved. And they take comfort in researching and writing down any important evidence. But this story is not about such people. This story is about the Baudelaires. And they are the sort of people who know that there's always something. Something to invent, something to read, something to bite, and something to do, to make a sanctuary, no matter how small. And for this reason, I am happy to say, the Baudelaires were very fortunate indeed.

Lemony Snicket

It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. It's like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down through the air, and there's a sickly moment of dark surprise. The children's grief was not only for thier uncle, but for that tender hope that they might have found home again. A hope which, thanks to a villainous actor, was now slowly tumbling away.

Lemony Snicket

I realize that my humble abode isn't as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion, but I'm coming into a great deal of money soon, and I think it'll be quite charming once it's finished. Shall we take a look?

Count Olaf

The kitchen! I know what you're thinking: "This place could use a little TLC." I trust you've had your tetanus shots. Polio. Smallpox. Typhoid. Malaria.

Count Olaf

I'm sorry... I don't speak monkey.

Count Olaf

You're not afraid of heights are you? Imagine that a monkey afraid of heights!

Count Olaf

I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted.

Count Olaf

Do you have a hall pass? I didn't think so.

Count Olaf

You are so deceased!

Count Olaf

And I'll be arrested and sent to jail and you'll live happily ever after with a friendly guardian, spending your time inventing things and reading books and sharpening your little monkey teeth. And bravery and nobility will prevail at last. And this wicked world will slowly but surely become a place of cheerful harmony. And everyone will be singing and dancing and giggling like the Littlest Elf! A happy ending. Is that what you had in mind?

Count Olaf

What do you think? Too diabolical? Give me some feedback!

Count Olaf

Now, now. Let's keep our heads here. If you do anything to me, you're just sinking to my level. Not to mention setting a terrible example for the children.

Count Olaf

This... is a little piece I like to call, "The Electric Chair I think ya' might have t' turn it up a little! Is anybody...OOOOOUUUUUTTTTT TTTTTHHHHHEEEEEERRRREEEE!!!DAAAAAAHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH!

Count Olaf

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