Quotes from the Movie Mallrats

One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

Brodie Bruce

Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!

Brodie Bruce

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.

Brodie Bruce

You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?

Brodie Bruce

I would've made a sexy chick.

Brodie Bruce

I love the smell of commerce in the morning.

Brodie Bruce

You two are retarded for each other.

Brodie Bruce

Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.

Brodie Bruce

Most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass - or sticking my hand in it.

Brodie Bruce

Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.

Brodie Bruce

Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.

Brodie Bruce

Women, always leaving you after you've had the crap kicked out of you.

Brodie Bruce

That's criminal; that kid is back ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN!

Brodie Bruce

You want me to rub it?

Brodie Bruce

How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?

T.S. Quinn

You're nothing but a lot of talk and a badge!

T.S. Quinn

How does that Jr. Masters in Johnson know about my proposal?

T.S. Quinn

Fly fatass Fly!

Jay

Where do you get these wonderful toys?

Jay

What you need is a fatty-boom-batty blunt, and I guarantee you'll be seeing a sailboat, an ocean, and maybe even some of those big-titted mermaids doing some of that lesbian shit. Look at me, look at me, you sloppy bitch!

Jay

Come, son of Jor-El! KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!! Snootchie-bootchies.

Jay

Dude, this one looks like your mom.

Jay

Dude, you the mad chick magnet.

Jay

Okay Lunchbox, let's try this again. We tie you to the roof and you jump off and sail like a Spitfire passing right over the arch nemesis La Fours. You then swing up to the stage and knock out the pin. And when that's gone, the stage is trashed and we go smoke a bowl. You got it? Now get your fat ass up there. And dude, don't forget your helmet. Snoogans.

Jay

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