You know, I'm just the best there is. I wake up every morning and I piss excellence.
Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Aah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off of me!
Help me, Oprah Winfrey!
Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!
I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.
Hello Professor Dickweed.
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, or as our brothers to the south call you JÈsusÖwe thank you so much for this bountiful harvest of Dominoís, KFC, and the always delicious Taco Bell. I just want to take time to say thank you for my family, My two beautiful, beautiful, handsome, striking sons, Walker, and Texas Ranger, or T.R., as we call him. And of course my red hot smokiní wife, Carley, who is a stone cold fox, who if you would rate her ass on 100 it would easily be a 94. I also want to thank you for my best friend and teammate, Cal Naughton Jr, Whoís got my back no matter what
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, we also like to thank you for my wifeís father Chip, we hope that you can use your baby Jesus powers to heal him and his horrible leg. It smells terrible and the dogs are always bothering with it.
Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...
Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.
Dear Tiny Jesus, in your golden fleece diapers with your tiny, little fat balled up fists
Look, I like the baby version the best, you hear me? I win the races and I get the money
Dear Eight Pound, Six Ounce, Newborn Baby Jesus, donít even know a word yet, just a little infant, so cuddly, but still omnipotent. Weíd just like to thank you for all the races Iíve won and the $21.2 million, LOVE THAT MONEY! That I have accrued over this past season. Also due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates I mention PowerAde at each grace, I just wanna say that PowerAde is delicious and it cools you off on a hot summer day and we look forward to PowerAdeís release of mystic mountain blueberry. Thank you, for all your power and your grace, Dear Baby God, Amen
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
Now, due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates that I mention POWERade at each grace, I'd just like to say that POWERade is delicious, it cools you off on a hot summer day, and we're all looking forward to POWERade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.
Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of gayness.
Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.
The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!
I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!
Hey, it's me, America!
I'm not sure what to do with my hands.