If I see one more shirttail flapping while I'm captain of this ship - woe betide the sailor; woe betide the OOD; and woe betide the morale officer. I kid you not.
The first thing you've got to learn about this ship is that she was designed by geniuses to be run by idiots.
This is the engine room; to operate, all you need is any group of well-trained monkeys. 99 percent of everything we do is strict routine. Only one percent requires creative intelligence.
Aboard my ship, excellent performance is standard, standard performance is sub-standard, and sub-standard performance is not permitted to exist - that, I warn you.
There is no escape from the Caine, save death. We're all doing penance, sentenced to an outcast ship, manned by outcasts, and named after the greatest outcast of them all.
No, you go ahead. You're telling it better.
Except I never fooled myself, Mr. Greenwald.
Disappointed they assigned you to a minesweeper, Keith?
This is the captain speaking. Some misguided sailors on this ship still think they can pull a fast one on me. Well, they're very much mistaken. Since you've taken this course, the innocent will be punished with the guilty. There will be no liberty for any member of this crew for three months. I will not be made a fool of! Do you hear me?
Anyone notice anything peculiar about Seaman First Class Urban? A shirt-tail hanging out of trousers is, I believe, regulation uniform for a bus boy, not, however, for a sailor in the United States Navy. These are some of the things we're going to start noticing again. Mr. Maryk, who is the morale officer?
Mr. Keith, you are now appointed the morale officer. In addition to your other duties, you are to see that shirttails are tucked inside trousers.
Mr. Maryk, you may tell the crew for me that there are four ways of doing things aboard my ship: The right way, the wrong way, the Navy way, and my way. They do things my way, and we'll get along.
You saw yourself on a carrier, or a battleship, no doubt.
She's not a battleship or a carrier; the Caine is a beaten-up tub. After 18 months of combat it takes 24 hours a day just to keep her in one piece.
Doctor. You have testified that the following symptoms exist in Lieutenant-Commander Queeg's behavior. Rigidity of personality, feelings of persecution, unreasonable suspicion, a mania for perfection, and a neurotic certainty that he is always in the right. Doctor isn't there one psychiatric term for this illness?
But no matter what, Captain Queeg endangered the ship and the lives of the men.
I shall try to be worthy of this assignment, sir.
Mr. Greenwald, there can be no more serious charge against an officer than cowardice under fire.
You ought to read his testimony. He never even heard of Captain Queeg!
Queeg was sick, he couldn't help himself. But you, you're real healthy. Only you didn't have one tenth the guts that he had.
I'm gonna drink a toast to you, Mr. Keefer. From the beginning you hated the Navy. And then you thought up this whole idea. And you managed to keep your skirts nice, and starched, and clean, even in the court martial. Steve Maryk will always be remembered as a mutineer. But you, you'll publish your novel, you'll make a million bucks, you'll marry a big movie star, and for the rest of your life you'll live with your conscience, if you have any. Now here's to the real author of "The Caine Mutiny." Here's to you, Mr. Keefer. [splashes wine in Keefer's face] If you wanna do anything about it, I'll be outside. I'm a lot drunker than you are, so it'll be a fair fight.
And now we come to the man who should've stood trial. The Caine's favorite author. The Shakespeare whose testimony nearly sunk us all. Tell 'em, Keefer!
Ah, you're learning, Willie! You're learning that you don't work with a captain because you like the way he parts his hair. You work with him because he's got the job or you're no good! Well, the case is over. You're all safe. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
He didn't endanger anybody's life, you did, all of you! You're a fine bunch of officers.
You didn't approve of his conduct as an officer. He wasn't worthy of your loyalty. So you turned on him. You ragged him. You made up songs about him. If you'd given Queeg the loyalty he needed, do you suppose the whole issue would have come up in the typhoon? [to Maryk] You're an honest man, Steve, I'm asking you. You think it would've been necessary for you to take over?