Quotes from the Movie The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

It's an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was the most intelligent species occupying the planet, instead of the third most intelligent. The second most intelligent creatures were, of course, Dolphins, who, curiously enough, had long known of the impending destruction of Earth. They'd made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger, but most of their communications were misinterpreted as amusing attempts to punch footballs or whistle for tidbits.

The Book/Narrator

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is a wholly remarkable book. It is the most remarkable, certainly the most successful, book ever to come out of the great publishing corporations of Ursa Minor. More popular than the Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty Three Things to Do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters - Where God Went Wrong, Some More of God's Greatest Mistakes, and Who is this God Person Anyway?

The Book/Narrator

Vogons. Vogons are one of the most unpleasant races in the galaxy. Not actually evil, but bad-tempered, bureaucratic, officious, and callous. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the ravenous Bug-Blatter Beast of Traal without orders signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, lost, found, queried, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighter. On no account should you allow a Vogon to read poetry to you.

The Book/Narrator

Vogon poetry is the third worst in the Universe. The second worst is that of the Azgoths of Kria. During a recitation by their Poet Master Grunthos the Flatulent of his poem Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in My Armpit One Midsummer Morning, four of his audience members died of internal haemorrhaging, and the President of the Mid-Galactic Arts Nobbling Council survived by gnawing one of his own legs off. The absolute worst poetry in the universe was written by Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Sussex. Luckily, it was destroyed when the Earth was.

The Book/Narrator

The last ever dolphin message was misinterpreted as a surprisingly sophisticated attempt to do a double backwards somersault through a hoop while whistling The Star-Spangled Banner, but in fact the message was this: "So long, and thanks for all the fish."

The Book/Narrator

The extraordinary story of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy begins very simply, it begins with a man. An Earthman, to be precise. Who no more knows his destiny, than a tea leaf knows the history of the East India Company. His name is Arthur Dent. He is a five-foot-eight-inch-tall ape descendant, and someone is trying to drive a bypass through his house.

The Book/Narrator

"Space," says the introduction to The Hitchhiker's Guide, "is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is." A... a... and so on. It also says that if you hold a lungful of air, you can survive in the total vacuum of space for about 30 seconds. But with space being really big and all, the chances of being picked up within that time are 22,079,460,347 to one against. Strangely, this is also the telephone number of that Islington flat where Arthur Dent met a lovely girl whom he totally blew it with.

The Book/Narrator

The Encyclopedia Galactica, in its chapter on love, states that it is far too complicated to define. The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has this to say on the subject of love: "Avoid, if at all possible."

The Book/Narrator

The Point-of-View gun conveniently does precisely what its name suggests. That is if you point it at someone and pull the trigger, they instantly see things from your point of view. It was designed by Deep Thought, but commissioned by a consortium of intergalactic angry housewives, who after countless arguments with their husbands were sick to the teeth of ending those arguments with the phrase "You just don't get it, do you?"

The Book/Narrator

What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn't been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won't be troubling you much longer.

The Book/Narrator

Humma Kavula is a person? I thought he was swearing!

Arthur Dent

Go with the hunch of a man whose brain is fuelled by LEMONS?!!

Arthur Dent

So much for the laws of physics....

Trillian

Incredible... it's even worse than I thought it would be.

Marvin

I'd give you advice, but you wouldn't listen. No one ever does.

Marvin

I could calculate your chance of survival, but you won't like it.

Marvin

Not that anyone cares what I say, but the Restaurant is on the other end of the universe.

Marvin

If there's anything more important than my ego on this ship, I want it caught and shot right now!

Zaphod Beeblebrox

HUMMA KAVULA!

Zaphod Beeblebrox

Beeblebrox, universally considered to be the dimmest star in several solar systems, is most famous for his controversial defeat of Humma Kavula, who claimed many thought they were voting for the "Worst-Dressed Sentient Being in the Universe" contest. Humma Kavula, of course, is best remembered for his slanderous "Don't Vote for Stupid!" campaign.

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Resistance is useless!

Vogons

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