Funny quotes Quotes

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Chic Murray

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Robert C. Gallagher

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.

Bill Maher

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Proverb

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.

Gil Stern

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.

Chinese Proverb

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

W.C. Fields

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead.

Robert Brault

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.

Unknown

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.

Jay Leno

The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.

Robert Frost

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them

George Bush

Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence

Hebrew Proverb

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'

Sam Ewing

How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.

Unknown

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for

Ogden Nash

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

P. J. O'Rourke

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git.

Alexai Sayle

When good Americans die they go to Paris.

Oscar Wilde

When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work ask him, 'Whose?'

Don Marquis

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Updated On : February 20, 2014
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