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Funny quotes Quotes
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Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.

Bill Maher

God's last name is not "Dammit."

Unknown

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.

Proverb

The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead.

Robert Brault

Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.

Unknown

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.

Jay Leno

The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.

Robert Frost

Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.

Chinese Proverb

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them

George Bush

Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence

Hebrew Proverb

In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'

Sam Ewing

Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, \\\"Be fruitful and multiply.\\\" But not in those words.

Woody Allen

I was so surprised at being born that I didn

Grace Ethel Cecile Rosalie Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Woody Allen

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Woody Allen

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!

Chris Rock

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

Dave Letterman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Andy Rooney

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Lily Tomlin

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be

Unknown

Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.

Gil Stern

The two women exchanged the kind of glance women use when no knife is handy.

Ellery Queen

You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

P. J. O\'Rourke

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