One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead.
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.
The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'
Babies are such a nice way to start people
Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, \\\"Be fruitful and multiply.\\\" But not in those words.
I was so surprised at being born that I didn
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.
How are men and parking spots alike? The good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
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