Funny quotes Quotes

You start out happy that you have no hips or boobs. All of a sudden you get them, and it feels sloppy. Then just when you start liking them, they start drooping.

Cindy Crawford

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Nicole Hollander

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

George W. Bush

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.

Marianne Williamson

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.

Carrie Snow

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

Laurence J. Peter

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Author Unknown

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

Mae West

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

Chauncey Mitchell Depew

The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!

Chris Rock

Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.

Dave Letterman

Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good.

Bai Ling

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Andy Rooney

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.


It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.

Lily Tomlin

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Will Shriner

God's last name is not "Dammit."


Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.


Children really brighten up a household - they never turn the lights off

Ralph Bus

The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime

Shannon Fife

One of the best lessons children learn through video games is standing still will get them killed quicker than anything else

Jinx Milea

10 Common Mistakes That Prevent You From Being Happy and Healthy Today, Backed by Science

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Updated On : February 20, 2014
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