I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters
The right way to play golf is to go up and hit the bloody thing
If you pick up a golfer and hold it close to your ear, like a conch shell, and listen- you will hear an alibi
Every rock'n'roll band I know, guys with long hair and tattoos, plays golf now
Nobody asked how you looked, just what you shot
You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them
Peter Alliss is astounded by a put or shot at the British Open
The mind messes up more shots than the body
In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of self expression. In America we call it golf
Golf is like marbles for adults
Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced.
I have spent most of my life golfing ..... the rest I have just wasted.
I am hitting the woods just great ..... but having a terrible time getting out of them!
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work
How did you make a twelve? I had a long put for an eleven
I'm the best. I just haven't played yet.
Bad Sausage and five bogeys will give you a stomach ache every time
I don't care to join any club that's prepared to have me as a member
The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.
The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows
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