Golf is the cruelest game, because eventually it will drag you out in front of the whole school, take your lunch money and slap you around.
Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out-of-doors.
No game designed to be played with the aid of personal servants by right-handed men who can't even bring along their dogs can be entirely good for the soul.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result.
Who watches golf on TV? Who calls eight friends over and gets a keg of beer? Landscapers, I guess. They sit around the TV, yelling, "Will you look at that golf path? Pure pea gravel."
A hole in one is amazing when you think of the different universes this white mass of molecules has to pass through on its way to the hole.
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five
In golf, you keep your head down and follow through. In the vice presidency, you keep your head up and follow through. It's a big difference.
You can't call it a sport. You don't run, jump, you don't shoot, you don't pass. All you have to do is buy some clothes that don't match.
One under a tree, one under a bush, one under the water
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps
It's so bad I could putt off a tabletop and still leave the ball halfway down the leg.
Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game
There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.
Golf is not just an exercise; it's an adventure, a romance... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined.
The worst club in my bag is my brain.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
Golf is hockey at the halt.
There is one thing in this world that is dumber than playing golf. That is watching someone else playing golf. What do you actually get to see? Thirty-seven guys in polyester slacks squinting at the sun. Doesn't that set your blood racing?
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law
The game of golf would lose a great deal if croquet mallets and billiard cues were allowed on the putting green.
One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
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