One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at our local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with another trip to the emergency room. So I run into him a week later at the mall and he was buying another cat! And I said to him, "Jesus, Walt, what are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he said to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.
Brodie Bruce
Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent--I don't care which one--but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator!
Brodie Bruce
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
Brodie Bruce
You're gonna listen to me? To something I said? Hasn't it become abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?
Brodie Bruce
I would've made a sexy chick.
Brodie Bruce
I love the smell of commerce in the morning.
Brodie Bruce
You two are retarded for each other.
Brodie Bruce
Why don't they ever bring back or remake good shows, like 'BJ and the Bear.' Now there's a concept I can't get enough of, a man and his monkey.
Brodie Bruce
Most of the time I'm just talking out of my ass - or sticking my hand in it.
Brodie Bruce
Yeah, and she also said I had no dick. Which precedes the financial question, proving once more what women really look for.
Brodie Bruce
Say, would you like a chocolate covered pretzel? They're a little melty, but damn, are they exquisite.
Brodie Bruce
Women, always leaving you after you've had the crap kicked out of you.
Brodie Bruce
That's criminal; that kid is back ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN!
Brodie Bruce
You want me to rub it?
Brodie Bruce
How is it that I go from the verge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to Man of Steel coital debates with you in the food court?
T.S. Quinn