Funny quotes Quotes

Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.

Nicole Hollander

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

Chic Murray

It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.

Harry Hill

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

Patrick Murray

Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence

Hebrew Proverb

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.

Unknown

The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.

Fred Astaire

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Unknown

A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

W.C. Fields

I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.

Groucho Marx

Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for

Ogden Nash

Children always know when company is in the living room - they can hear their mother laughing at their father's jokes

Unknown

Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.

Marianne Williamson

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

Laurence J. Peter

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Author Unknown

Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.

Mae West

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.

Chauncey Mitchell Depew

Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good.

Bai Ling

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Robert C. Gallagher

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Unknown

The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.

George W. Bush

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.

Bill Maher

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

George Burns

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