Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for
Children always know when company is in the living room - they can hear their mother laughing at their father's jokes
Some men know that a light touch of the tongue, running from a woman's toes to her ears, lingering in the softest way possible in various places in between, given often enough and sincerely enough, would add immeasurably to world peace.
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.
Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good.
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
People viewed this also viewedFriendship Quotes
George Burns Quotes
Joyce Brothers Quotes
Mae West Quotes
Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
Interesting ReadsBooks About Funny quotes
Related QuotesQuotes with Keyword Funny quotes