Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.
My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realise how often they burst into flames.
The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.
A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.
The average pencil is seven inches long, with just a half-inch eraser - in case you thought optimism was dead.
Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.
I find television to be very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go in the other room and read a book.
Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a new job.
The difference between a job and a career is the difference between forty and sixty hours a week.
Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them
Opinions founded on prejudice are always sustained with the greatest violence
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
In many instances, marriage vows would be more accurate if the phrase were changed to 'Until debt do us part'
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
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