Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it.
The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes
If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.
It's easy to see golf not as a game at all but as some whey-faced, nineteenth-century Presbyterian minister's fever dream of exorcism achieved through ritual and self-mortification.
Forget your opponents; always play against par.
If profanity had an influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is
They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that.
I guess there is nothing that will get your mind off everything like golf. I have never been depressed enough to take up the game, but they say you get so sore at yourself you forget to hate your enemies
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they'd starve to death
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
What other people may find in poetry or art museums, I find in the flight of a good drive.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles
They throw their clubs backwards, and that's wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don't have to walk any extra distance to get it.
If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
Duffers who consistently shank their balls are urged to buy and study Shanks
In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.
If I can hit a curveball, why can't I hit a ball that is standing still on a course?
Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.
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